Stung

'Tis the season for family spats, hence I'm still processing a difficult phone conversation I had this afternoon.  My sister described me as ungenerous -monetarily and emotionally, disrespectful, inconsiderate, cruel, nasty, judgmental and controlling.  The words were spewed hours ago, but I still feel them like a bee stinger embed under my skin.  The rainy night is a perfect companion for my raw vulnerability.  Our relationship has admittedly weathered a bumpy road.  Although healing has occurred along the way, miscommunication, and conflicting points of view remain.  I'm truly sorry I've caused her pain, but it is difficult for me to identify with these words. This is how she sees me, so this is who I am to her, but it's not who I am.  When these charges were first uttered a year ago, I was told they were a long held belief.  So I must ask, why pursue my friendship?  If I am selfish, cold and inconsiderate why do you want me in your life?  If being with me makes you "disappear" and shut down, why the quest?  If spending time with me doesn't live up to your expectations and visions of how I should behave, why the desire?  I don't believe in obligatory relationships, blood, history, geography, not solid enough reasons for me.  Connection, honesty, authenticity, loyalty, vulnerability, ease, and joy now that's a recipe for friendship.  On this night of the winter solstice/lunar eclipse I'm releasing this distress and asking for harmony in return.