Curry

Making shrimp and chicken curry

Happy Blogiversary

I started this blog four years ago during an intense transitional period.
At the time I was aware things were shifting, but looking back it's even clearer
how much I was letting go of certain aspects of my life that had previously defined me.
I was in search of change, and change found me.
  The past four years have been adventurous, creative, challenging, and profound.
May I never stop evolving, seeking, transforming, dreaming, and receiving what I desire
even if it comes in unrecognisable forms.  

 

 

One Month

A month ago when the vet told me over the phone it was best if I put you down, I agreed.

She asked if I could get there quickly.

My heart sank, "no".  

I sobbed when I hung up the phone, and a deep well has been in my stomach ever since.

I've been home without you for two weeks.

 I expect to see your little paw under the bathroom door when I get out of the shower in the morning.   I expect to find you sunning in various places in the house as you follow the sun.  I think I hear your meows late an night, and your paws on the floorboards as I try to sleep below. 

I expect you to climb over writers during my meetings in the living room.

I expect you everywhere.  This was, after all, your house.

You occupied every inch with your big, humorous personality.

 I still can't believe you're not just on an extended romp in the canyon.

I can't believe you're really gone.

PS Through My Toy Camera Lens

This Is What Fifty Looks Like

My birthday prompted a self portrait.

Couldn't believe how rusty I was setting up a pic on the tripod.

Several years ago, during my 365 project, I could bang them out while traveling in SE Asia or in the hills in my canyon.

One photograph lead to several more this week.

This is what fifty looks like. This is what I look at fifty.

Still so hard to comprehend, but I'm adjusting.

Wise Words

Fifty

I've dreaded this birthday, but the only alternative to stopping this day from happening was not such a great option.  The anticipation resulted in reflection, joy,  and sadness.  But now that the deed is done, it's time to embrace all that is, and all that will be.  During the reflection phase, I gathered these old photos from birthdays past.  I think about current life and how every moment, even the insignificant ones are documented.  I have many had many birthday parties and celebrations, and yet very few photos, even from recent years, exist.  Future generations will most likely never have this experience. 

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

TEN

ELEVEN

FOURTEEN

TWENTY NINE

THIRTY

FORTY EIGHT

FORTY NINE

 FIFTY

Birthday Self Portrait

Spring Lake

Strolling the promenade with my mother.

Missing Dad

Happy Mother's Day Mom

Recieving

I get immense joy from giving, but being on the receiving end, not so easy for me.  When JOB generously offered to throw me a birthday party in NYC I accepted, but knew I had stepped way outside of my comfort zone.  To be the recipient of so much love makes me feel vulnerable.  For weeks now, just thinking about the party reduced me to tears.  In and of itself, this milestone birthday triggered conflicting emotions, but I was also overwhelmed by the love being directed towards me.  I recalled Brene Brown's belief that vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change, and kept walking through the fog banks. 

JOB, on the surface, you threw me a kick ass birthday party illuminated by the Empire State Building, serenaded by a Latin Jazz trio, and surrounded by my friends.  On a deeper level,  you gave me the experience of receiving with grace, and opening up my heart to the hearts that encircle me.  No surprise, tears are streaming down my face as I write this.  Still blown away.  I love you.

24 Hour Celebration

After delays due to weather, a delinquent car service, and construction on the BQE I finally arrived at  CB's loft at 130am, exhausted.  But finding my childhood friend engaged in lively conversation with my college roommate, I immediately perked up.  It was a Friday night after all, and the reason we were coming together was to celebrate my birthday.  We finally crawled into bed at 230am, and awoke early to sunny skies despite the meteorologists gloomy forecast.  Meandering on the lower east side on a sunny spring morning added a jolt of excitement.  SJP joined us for a walk across The Brooklyn Bridge, a structure I had never crossed on foot.  My brother, who had spent the night in Brooklyn, met us half way.  Epic. Epic. Epic  Hard to believe this was just the precursor to a celebration that evening.  Storm clouds moved in during our late lunch in Little Italy, and a run through Chinatown under big raindrops was exhilarating.  Day transitioned to late afternoon, thunder and lightning performed overhead, and it was time to shift focus to a little pre-party primping.

Monkey Dreams

Every night, Monkey makes an appearance in my dreams.  Last night I was looking at old childhood photographs.  I was very young, seven perhaps, sitting at our dining room table.  The photo was capturing an occasion, perhaps my birthday, and I was holding a cat.  Growing up, we had a cat, Spots, and so I assumed that was the pet in my arms.  Then the photo turned into a GIF, and the cat started moving towards me and it was clearly Monkey.  I couldn't believe I never knew that Spots was, in fact, Monkey.  Reverse incarnation? 

Video Village

Missing Monkey

May

“It's spring fever.... 

You don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache,

you want it so!”
-  Mark Twain