I Believe in Santa Clause: The August Break

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Cloudy 8/10

I've been diligently dragging my butt out of bed several mornings a week to attend a 7am yoga class. The session is somewhat clinical, and the instructor, about to give birth in a week, has a no nonsense demeanor. On occasion she's surprised me by taking away a block propping me up for twisted triangle or suggesting I come out of child's pose even though my wobbly legs disagreed. This morning, she assisted me in bridge. I held on to her ankles, straightened my elbows and lifted my arched back. The tightness between my neck and shoulders felt like glass about to shatter. "My arms are weak," I said, coming out of the pose. "It's your willingness", she diagnosed. "You have a mental block". What could have been heard as a passing observation, resonated as a bold statement. Her tone was matter of a fact, clearly stating a conclusion she made several weeks ago. Nail on the head! That's what I sensed from her all along. She thinks I'm capable of much more than I'm giving. Instead of clearing my mind of thought, I wondered if she was on to something. What was at the core of my holding back? Were my beliefs that I didn't have enough strength, or could injure myself in the process stronger than my actual ability? Perhaps what I labeled -- embracing my limitations instead of judging them -- was entirely something else. Although I'm a Taurus I've never though of myself as stubborn, but this encounter made me considered my willfulness in a new light. I do believe certain things to be true. Are those truths based in reality or has my reality mirrored my truths? This question comes at a time when I wrestle with other truths which seem to define my life and inform my actions. So much for starting the morning with a centering yoga class. I feel all mixed up from the experience, which I've come to recognize as a nerve being struck. And so much for The August Break, some days just need words too.