Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Cloudy 8/10

I've been diligently dragging my butt out of bed several mornings a week to attend a 7am yoga class.  The session is somewhat clinical, and the instructor, about to give birth in a week, has a no nonsense demeanor.  On occasion she's surprised me by taking away a block propping me up for twisted triangle or suggesting I come out of child's pose even though my wobbly legs disagreed.  This morning, she assisted me in bridge.  I held on to her ankles, straightened my elbows and lifted my arched back.  The tightness between my neck and shoulders felt like glass about to shatter.  "My arms are weak," I said, coming out of the pose.  "It's your willingness", she diagnosed. "You have a mental block".   What could have been heard as a passing observation, resonated as a bold statement.  Her tone was matter of a fact, clearly stating a conclusion she made several weeks ago.  Nail on the head!  That's what I sensed from her all along.  She thinks I'm capable of much more than I'm giving.  Instead of clearing my mind of thought, I wondered if she was on to something.  What was at the core of my holding back?  Were my beliefs that I didn't have enough strength, or could injure myself in the process stronger than my actual ability?  Perhaps what I labeled -- embracing my limitations instead of judging them -- was entirely something else.  Although I'm a Taurus I've never though of myself as stubborn, but this encounter made me considered my willfulness in a new light.  I do believe certain things to be true.  Are those truths based in reality or has my reality mirrored my truths?  This question comes at a time when I wrestle with other truths which seem to define my life and inform my actions.  So much for starting the morning with a centering yoga class.  I feel all mixed up from the experience, which I've come to recognize as a nerve being struck.  And so much for The August Break, some days just need words too.

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